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“Meeting the Family” – 8 Tips for New Couples This Holiday Season

The holidays can be challenging for couples who have been through the drill many times, but for those in new relationships, it can be doubly stressful. How soon is too soon to meet the family? How do you handle that first meeting? When is “too soon” to tackle holiday dinners with that crazy uncle or an overbearing mother?

Women are often anxious to receive an invitation to “dinner” because it solidifies some sense of commitment (though not always the case), and men sometimes move quickly because it helps to make the woman feel more secure in the relationship. (Though, being smitten is not reserved for women with marriage on their minds.)

Relationship coach and “Reality Expert” Troy Spry talks about ways to handle the holidays and candidly answers questions about dating protocol for couples during this season.

Joy Simone

1. How soon should you introduce your “special someone” to the family? Are holiday dinners the best time to meet the family?

Remember that most times someone introducing you to his or her family implies a higher level of intention for the relationship. People who see you being an important part of their life don’t mind introducing you to the important people in their lives. It is my belief that if one is going to introduce someone new to the family, then they need to first have decided that they see the relationship potentially progressing into something more than just dating. There is no time frame or rule of thumb, it depends more on intention than on time. If you have invested enough in dating each other that there is potential for more or it is “official” and you have a title, then it’s only right to introduce them to the family. I don’t think that the holidays (if you are in close proximity) are the best time to bring your new mate around for the first time. The atmosphere will be too hectic and to intimidating.

2. Are there reasons a couple should never attend family gatherings pre-marriage? Or otherwise?

I don’t believe so. I believe that if they wait until marriage they are doing themselves a disservice. If someone’s family is important to them, then it will be vital that they are able to see how his/her mate interacts with the family. Family dynamics can put tremendous stress on a relationship if not handled with care. Furthermore, your relationship or marriage won’t exist within a bubble, and it’s important for the different personalities to begin to be able to co-exist.

Your relationship or marriage won’t exist within a bubble, and it’s important for the different personalities to begin to be able to co-exist.

3. What goes through a man’s mind when he decides to invite his lady to meet the fam?

What goes through his mind is that he believes that she could play an important role in his life and be his woman. He also is thinking that he hopes that his mother likes her and that they get along. Finally, he hopes that she vibes well with the other women in his family like his sisters. Men don’t worry much about what the other men think. As long as she nice and is attractive they will probably give their stamp of approval.

4. Is the lack of an invite an automatic red flag for the relationship?

It’s only a red flag if they have been seriously dating for an extended period of time and are working towards a relationship. Usually if she doesn’t get the invite to meet the fam after a few months, then odds are he won’t move the relationship much further than it is at that time.

5. Should the woman/man insist on an invite?

I don’t believe the woman/man should insist an invite, and if he/she has to do so then the truth is that they probably already know where they  stand in that person’s life.

6. Should the woman/man ever turn down an invite?

They should only turn down the invite if it is very early on and they are uncomfortable with knowing where they are going in the relationship. I mean, if they have only been on two dates and they are already trying to introduce them to the family, that is a sign that this is a person that is moving way too fast.

Just be authentic and be yourself. Although you may be trying to make an impression, people can usually see right through any facades.

7. Overall, how should new couples (6 months or less) tackle the holidays in terms of gifts, family gatherings, meeting family?

Overall, very new couples shouldn’t feel pressure to buy extravagant gifts. A good rule of thumb could be to just buy a gift that could be used for the entire house, such as wine. Just don’t come empty handed! HA! Secondly and above all things, just be nice and avoid uncomfortable conversations and gossip.  Finally, just be authentic and be yourself. Although you may be trying to make an impression, people can usually see right through any facades.

8. Are there other factors to consider?

One thing to consider is if the other person has children. Be careful trying to replace the other parent too early into the relationship, especially around other family members. That is not your place so always default to the custodial parent or other family members. Secondly, be cognizant of your attire. Keep it classy, not too tight or revealing. You don’t want to be perceived as classless or as a threat around other women in the family. Not only may they feel they have to compete, but keep in mind it’s likely that their men will be there as well. Avoid too much PDA (public displays of affection) as it could be perceived as disrespectful.

As for men, just keep it light and avoid getting into conversations about other women, as many men will try to bait you into those conversations. Don’t be a prude and act like you are above the conversations, just do more listening and less talking.  Leave the arrogance and cockiness at the door and ask people about themselves more than you talk about yourself.

All in all just remember that BASIC MANNERS go a long way.

About the Expert

Troy Spry, a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only “Reality Expert” resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective about dating, relationships, and marriage and using that as a vehicle for inspiration! His mission is to first inspire people to become better people so that they can become better mates, which will foster an environment for better relationships and ultimately help build better communities!

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Single Parents and Relationship Success

With the divorce rate often quoted as one in two, or 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce, it’s hard to fathom that there could still be a stigma attached to single parents. To be exact, the CDC quotes 3.4 of 1,000 marriages end in divorce. If you combine those single parents with single parents who conceived out of wedlock, that leaves a pretty large number of men and women in the single parent pool.

The reality is that many still pause when they find out that a woman or man has children. It means, automatically, that a third party is in the equation; in actuality, it may mean more, including the child’s father or mother. No one wants to willingly enter into baby daddy or baby mama drama.

In her recent blog post, author Christelyn Karazin addresses the question: “As a single mother, am I considered ‘damaged goods’?” Karazin admits there are challenges. She warns against men who prey upon single mothers who have bought into the notion that they are “damaged goods.” Often it is how we view ourselves that determines how others react and treat us.

In this Askmen.com article, writer Lawrence Mitchell states:

The game you play with other women may not have the same effect. I have always recommended that men be genuine and sincere in their love life but with a single mother, you should hardcode that nugget of advice on your cerebellum.

Concern about dating a single parent goes both ways, and many women do not want to date men with kids any more than single men want to date single mothers. But with our “modern families” and today’s culture, anything is possible. Relationships are unique, and there are many ways to find relationship success.

The benefits of dating single parents

There are some advantages to dating single parents. If you are looking for a committed relationship, a single parent is more likely to be responsible, mature and more likely to know what it takes to make a relationship work. If, on the other hand, you like your freedom and space, this could also be a win-win.

Dating advice for single parents

If you are re-enteringthe dating arena as a single parent, it’s best to keep an open mind, take your time and consider new venues or activities. You don’t have to feel guilty for taking time for yourself, and you certainly don’t need to introduce every person you date to your child(ren). Cnn.com offers more advice here.

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Relationship Advice Heavily Weighted on “Male Perspective” Side; Women?

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In this introduction to The Wedding Plan: A Collection of Short Stories, I explain the reason I was moved to create these stories. My hope is that the discussion will continue with the voice of more women, of all colors and creeds, weighing in. — Joy Simone, author, The Wedding Plan

Introduction

The numbers are in. Statistically speaking, African American women who are “educated,” meaning have some college and/or post-graduate education, are least likely to be married with children. The numbers say 46 percent, in fact. According to the U.S. Census, 46 percent of African American adults have never married, compared with 26 percent of all American adults. By their early forties, 31 percent of African American women have never married, versus 9 percent of Caucasian women, 11 percent of Asian women and 12 percent of Latino women in the same age group.

They have posted articles about it, discussion boards too numerous to count have explored the topic, and books have been written on the subject, advising black women how to “get a man,” or simply starting the “conversation” about the state of black relationships in America. The underlying message behind much of the commentary is that something is wrong with black women. If you want to go for hyperbole, the statistics could read, “Black women are the least desirable women on the planet.” How about that?

Say what you will, and bravado aside, that is a lot to swallow. In the midst of all the pressures to live a good life, to survive financially and emotionally, it doesn’t bode well. And if you happen to be a black woman, a single black woman, the sentiment can eat at you.

It manifests in cravings for salt and vinegar chips, triple caramel Frappucinos and molten lava chocolate dessert.  It’s weekly nail and hair appointments, overpriced cars and celebrity-sized closets. It’s a lot of work proving that you’re worthy, that you’re wonderful, only to find that you are still alone.

In some instances of black women remaining unmarried, it’s not about loneliness; it’s about lack of commitment. Simply put, some black men in relationships won’t marry. Some say they aren’t ready to settle down (even though they’ve been in a relationship with the same woman for many years), they don’t know if they’ll ever get married, they’re not sure she’s “the one.” In his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey gives insight into the reasons men won’t commit, and he offers advice on how to foster a committed relationship.

The debate about the marriage statistics among black men and women began with reviews of Ralph Richard Banks’ book, Is Marriage for White People? How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone. When the commentary began, people were angry, judgmental, called black women “angry and bitter,” accused black women of not being feminine enough, submissive enough. There were accusations that black women were not realistic in the type of men they were “waiting for.” Black women were too choosy, too domineering. You name it, people had a lot to say about black women. Mr. Banks in his NY Daily News article suggested that black women should begin to date outside of the race. Even this, a tangible solution, was met with varying degrees of disdain. Somehow, it turned into an attack on black women. This, despite the fact that Banks pointed out the outlook was gloomy even when interracial dating was entertained. TheRoot.com’s book reviewer also took issue with Banks assertions.

“When selecting a mate,” Banks said, “[African heritage isn’t as valued as European or Asian heritage.]” Factors such as money, smarts, looks, family background, etc., were listed as determinants for how/why a man will select a mate.  And once again, according to statistics, black women made the cut less often than women of other races.

In her New York Times opinion piece, Angela Stanley, a researcher at the Kirwan Institute for the Study of Race and Ethnicity, Ohio State University, had this to say:

Proposing interracial dating as a solution requires more than just black women acquiescing. Understanding the numbers and the realities of single black women takes more than just a lopsided glance. Despite the visibility of people like Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Condoleezza Rice, black women as a group are still largely negatively stereotyped in movies, television, music and other forms of popular culture. However, because black men have been disproportionately affected by social inequities, black women have been implicitly conditioned not to add to that burden. Being critical of black men, instead of being supportive and sympathetic, is often viewed as adding to the problems of black men.

Stanley also cited a 2008 University of California, Irvine, study, which found that while women of color were more likely to include white men in their dating pools, white men were more likely to exclude black women.

One of the things that moved me to write this was a desire to shed light on black women as three-dimensional beings. There’s so much criticism along with the often touted “angry black woman” stereotype that I think people forget that we are people… with feelings and who need and deserve love as much as any other race or individual.

In an MSN.com article, author Brian Alexander sites Yale sociologist Averil Clarke and her then soon to be published book, Love Inequality: Black Women, College Degrees, and the Family We Can’t Have. “[Clarke] sees the impact of this demographic trend in a slightly different, and more romantic, light. It’s not about passing on economic and educational advantages, though these concerns are valid, she said. It’s about love.”

I’ve lost track of the number of conversations I’ve had with professional women all over the country who have it going on and still can’t find a mate. Actually, many can’t even find a date. In the ‘90s, the wish list was popular. Common theory was that you had to be specific about what you wanted in a mate in order to find the right one. Well, the lists grew and the years did, too. I will say it seems as if the younger generations of women seem to understand that being “independent” does not have to be at the exclusion of family life and/or a mate. Norms change. Over the past 10 years, I’ve traveled from coast to coast; the stories don’t change. Sisters with great jobs, great homes, great attitudes, great bodies… single.

When Hill Harper’s book, The Conversation, debuted and discussions hit the airwaves, I was hopeful that we were going in the direction toward change. I even discovered that we had a day dedicated to “black love.” Black Love Day, founded in 1993, is another alternative to a mainstream holiday, in this case, Valentine’s Day. I thought the idea was good, but the discussions about relationships among African American men and women often ended with more frustration than when they began. I was hopeful that black men and women would rid themselves of the marketed ideals of love and beauty, and pay attention to the ideals that have helped make our families successful throughout the years. I didn’t understand why so many black male peers either found marriage undesirable or could not find a comparable mate among the two-to-one and higher ratios of black women to men reported in major cities.

Another alarming statistic revealed that African Americans who rated among the most educated and financially prosperous were not producing offspring. Why? Largely because they weren’t getting married. If the most educated and potentially the most intelligent among us are not having children, then we are missing out on the opportunity to see the long-term effect of desegregation and affirmative action.

MSN.com contributor Brian Alexander noted the following in his article, “Marriage Eludes High-Achieving Black Women”:

When educated black women remain childless] this defeats the goal of affirmative action, argue some demographers. The idea behind assuring that blacks had access to higher education and graduate school was that after a generation or so, African-Americans would reach a kind of achievement parity after generations of suffering educational and career restriction. But if black women, who comprise 71 percent of black graduate students, according to the census data, do not have children, the rate of achievement reaches a kind of familial dead end.  (Alexander, Msn.com)

On the other hand, often it seems that those with less education have figured out that creating a family is not rocket science. Maybe these women are simply in environments with more black males, and therefore more easily able to meet and enter relationships with black men. But when you speak of marriage, statistically the numbers aren’t better for those in lower economic brackets. According to Banks, marriage has declined the most among poor people.  “…the black poor are the most unmarried of all. But the racial gap in marriage is apparent even among the middle and upper middle class. College-educated black women in their thirties, say, are twice as likely as their white counterparts to be unmarried. And college educated black men are less likely to be married than college educated men of other races.” Banks raises an interesting point about black men and marriage. If black men are least likely to marry whether they are educated or not, entering a relationship with a less educated black man does not increase the likelihood of marriage for black women.

 

Marriage Arrangements

When I was coming up, I noticed, or maybe it’s more in hindsight now, but I recall moms who made it part of their job to foster relationships for their daughters. It was apparent that marriage was in the plan as early as high school. I’ve heard stories of “cheerleader” moms who tailored their girls for marriage from a very young age. By high school, they were already lining up prospects, whether the captain of the football team or the boy voted most likely to succeed. Among the black women I’ve encountered, this tactic was almost seen as taboo, as gold digging. Waiting until a later age for marriage certainly has its benefits, but having been involved in a long-term relationship in high school likely ensures a higher probability of marriage overall.

With so many single-parent households, it could be that the “modeling” just wasn’t available, and therefore, marriage was off the radar. Also, the main message reiterated by many single moms was independence… “You do not depend on a man to take care of you!”

No doubt this was good advice, especially coming from women who had seen and lived through the ramifications of being dependent upon a husband or father who walked out. Black, white or otherwise, the need for women’s empowerment and the message of independence remains relevant.

With regard to the black family and marriage, I don’t have the answer any more than the statistics proclaim the truth about what really goes on in households across the country.  In his New York Times article, “Blacks Need to Reinvent Marriage,” sociologist Dalton Conley states:

There certainly is a dearth of “marriageable” black men in America today. But this account is ultimately unsatisfying: It assumes a rather inflexible notion of marital roles, and embedded within it is the unexamined (racist) assumption that blacks must marry their own kind.

Cultural institutions are enormously flexible, and we see that in the United States today: the number of marriages in which the woman is the breadwinner is on the rise; as are marriages between older women and younger men — and even between taller women and shorter husbands! But the group with the most traditionally marriageable men is the one leading these trends — that is, educated whites. Blacks maintain the most traditionalist ideologies with respect to family roles — despite the greatest apparent need to reinvent marriage.

A new perspective on what the family unit looks like is in order for the African American community. Black women, in particular, have already been forced to reexamine their view of the family. Some have adapted, many continue to wait it out or forego marriage altogether.

Each woman’s circumstance is unique to her. What I do know is that I’ve talked to too many women who are hurting, and brothers as well, and I think the dialogue needs to continue.

What must be reiterated is that many black women are in loving relationships and are married, 54 percent; as a culture, we have reached heights far beyond our circumstance. Being single is not a sentence or a punishment. Many choose to be single, some because they enjoy independence, others because they refuse to settle for less than they want or deserve.

As Stanley states in the conclusion of her article, “What has happened, though, is that black women have been silenced. When we are vocal, we are problems. The marriage debate highlights the need for black women to tell our own stories….”

The short stories I’ve written and assembled here provide some insight into the daily lives of women maneuvering through the obstacles presented in their lives and relationships. Do you stay? Do you leave? Do you marry him anyway? And at what cost? These are a few of the questions left for the reader to address.

Black women as a whole have a right to be angry, but most of us are not. We are many things. At times we are hurt, sad, disappointed, disenchanted, strong, resilient, resourceful, creative, forgiving, loving, assertive, independent, submissive… we are women who know how to make lemonade out of lemons.

My goal was to create stories that present a candid view of black women, of women in general, of the sacrifices we make silently, the compromises we endure. These characters and their stories are compilations of women I’ve encountered throughout my life, experiences I’ve had, and answers to my own questions.

Maybe through these stories you will see yourself; maybe you will see someone you know; at the least, may you be entertained and enlightened.

_______________________________

Do these statistics sit well with you? Do they have validity? What has been your experience?

 

(The Wedding Plan: A Collection of Short Stories is Joy Simone’s first published book. She has written and performed poetry for more than a decade, and she is also a journalist. )

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Fatherhood Blog Offers Great Advice

Mocha Dad shares the truth about what makes a good man. His blog looks at the daily undertakings of being a dad. His blog is refreshing in its positivity and honesty. We don’t look for awards for doing what is right, but admitting the challenges and staying focused does require tenacity.

Here’s an excerpt from the article, which was published a few years ago, and some of the traits that this Howard University graduate has rightly named as key to becoming a person (man) of honor.

Men were made to be bold, strong, leaders. However, our society has attempted to repress these traits. If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you’d think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a “smart” female partner, friend, or spouse.

Consequently, many boys are confused and have no idea what it takes to be a real man. They seek inappropriate role models and emulate the bad behavior that they see on a regular basis.

It is our duty as men, fathers, and responsible citizens to counter these negative images and raise a new generation of men who are respectful, loving, and willing to contribute to society in a positive way.

If we are to achieve this goal, we must start with improving ourselves. I started my journey towards self-improvement after my daughter’s birth. The greatest compliment that a father can get from his daughter is “I want to marry someone just like you.” That kind of pressure forces you to examine your life and look for ways to improve.

In his article, 7 Traits of Real Men, MochaDad names integrity, compassion and confidence as his first three traits. Read more.

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Love is in the air!

Watching the Democratic National Convention was a homecoming of sorts. I imagine most gathered around to hear the Obama administration have its say. There was lots of passion, a coming together of the powerful and disenfranchised.

Love is in the air. Americans are getting fired up. But will we storm the Bastille?

In times of trouble, true character emerges, and people also fall in love. In politics’ shining moments, there are lots of flags waving and lots of family photo ops. The family emerges, again, as the thumbprint of the nation.

To have our leader model a healthy, loving family environment is affirmation, instruction, therapy. It does seem like we need this more than ever. Today’s world is a scary place. I have avoided this admission because I thought maybe I was just too old, but I still think it’s scary. Technology has created this oh so close, but miles apart culture. So, I say, “Cheers!” to keeping things warm and fuzzy.

I think tough times have reminded us to be patient with one another. People are literally losing their lives to stress, and not just from heart attacks; many have become victims of someone else’s mental breaking down.

I like the notion of choosing love. I see people all around me who are building families; they are doing it gracefully and with joy.

Seeing President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle together is a beautiful thing to witness. There is a joinedness to them that an old married couple will recognize and that the unattached can sense is true.